its not worth killing yourself
if you aint gonna die
about me
*girl
*NC16.. lol
*8th May
*css
*3/1
*choir [sop]
*soccer
*striker for girls
*defender for guys
*roller-blading
*skateboarding
*shopping (ha)
*doodling
*
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
***to get A1 for chinese
***to get A1 for a maths
***to get A1 for english
***to get A1 for maths
***to get A1 for biology
***to get A2 for physics
***to get A2 for geography
***to get A2 for combined humanties
***to get B3 for chemistry
***help out xingnan choir
***take drama as sub at VJC
***study at NTU/ overseas
***get a beetle car
***FASHION DESIGNER
my past
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
my reads
haikal : far away now
kathleen : my twin sis
jane : my ma
julie : my real sis
samantha
suk mun : partner-in-crime
debbie
colby
juit lian
luo sheng
sarah lah
hui ru
li ru
see kai
yan shan: crazy partner
cheng jie
kuan hui
thomas
shasha
ruiming: gotta read dis
aidil: sax player
joshua
kang sheng: nice shoes
weixue: old classmate
wan xin
hsien lee: fashion designer
fang yi: WET!!
zhao perng
reuben
si meng
yu han
tze chee
stanley
geraldine
ruth
carrie
deyang
farhan
theng loke
ying chen
qiu qun
mel c: cool hair
jeffery
mr toh
guy, interrupted
cathy
ginger
marina/ chloe
tiawanajane: lemons?
madison
kanika
pablo: i like this guy!
adam
blueskeleton: cool site with pics
katt
jaimekate
crap
my virtual pets
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the current moon phase
moon phases |
my hangouts
CSS Choir Forum
My Friendster
Pyro, my love
shout at me
gimme a hug
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hits
what i have learnt
Thursday, November 25, 2004
today was css open hse.. then its like.. i had to go for choir.. rocket launching and art shop.. so i very busy lor..
ok.. i got really pissed today.. coz.. when i was pumping air into the rocket.. EE CHEONG was making sexual comments about me loudly.. until this parent and kid were like.. squirming.. then after i pump.. somebody wanted to launch it.. so i say ok lor.. then i step aside.. making sure that the parent and kid could see.. then EE CHEONG said to move my fat ass aside so that they could see.. again loud enuff for the parent and kid to hear..
after that.. KY came over and then she ask whether we're launching.. then i said.. Ky.. its better that your guest dont come and watch.. coz EE CHEONG was hurling vulgarities and sexual remarks like no body's business.. then ee cheong come over and asked wad happened.. then i juz look away.. then i continue complaining abt him to KY and he juz denied it lor.. so KY summarised it by confirming with me tt there was no launching lah.. and i said yeah.. then she walked away..
then ee cheong walked over and asked me wad i said to her.. then he guessed that i told her no launching and then he said wah lao.. then he ran after her i think to explaing stuff.. then after tt.. he came back with black face.. and told sre abt it.. then its like.. i dun remember wad happened next.. but wad i did remeber was that i juz walked off from them.. like.. those how lian pple do.. with their noses stuck high up in the sky.. yeah.. smth liddat..
then after.. i was refilled my rocket and then pumped in air into it.. then its like EE CHEONG and SREYANSH.. and some other guy.. they were juz standing in a straight row some feet away from me.. whispering discussions.. and then itslike.. i will pump abit.. then rest a bit. let the air go inside.. then its will take a long time wad.. some more i pumping 37 pumps.. then suddenly.. i heard EE CHEONG say," is she trying to commit suicide?"
so i turned to him.. and even though i was having a cold war with them.. i said.. i heard tt ee cheong.. then he juz hide his face behind sreyansh's back.. then when i launched it.. it flew from one diagonal of the field to the other diagonall.. it was beautiful..
then they guys went crazy and went to get a teacher.. then they found mr chng or somebody.. then its like.. they were like going.. it was successful.. WE did it..
now.. pause one moment.. wad "WE" ?!?! was there ever a "WE" ?!?! its was only "ME".. coz u pple were standing at one corner toking bad abt me.. wondering whether me rocket could fly.. and u told about "WE"?!?
sreyansh.. i dun mind sharing fame with u even if u nv contributed to the thing.. like our maths story.. the one we got first in.. i dun mind staying 2 whole nights pasting every single thing in tt book.. and then only putting ur name there on the cover on the date of submission so that u wont have to do one..
but u didnt care abt my feelings.. and u just assumed that ee cheong was right.. i have always supported wad u have dreamed for.. when u were arguing and even when u were wrong.. i actually helped u in tt arguement.. coz i CARE.. ok?
then after that.. i dun remember wad happened after tt.. but i do remember.. tt when i went to pick up my rocket.. and u guys had already finished pumping and were waiting for me to get out of the way.. when suddenly.. sreyansh made this action by which is the result if the rocket were to hit u in the rocket.. with loud 'ahhh' sounds and then u laughed..
the first thing that came to my mind was that.. u were demonstrating wad was happen to me if u all were to launch the rocket..
and the thing that i wanna know now is.. WAS IT REALLY THAT WAY?? PLEASE TELL ME THATS ITS NOT TRUE.. PLS..
after that.. i juz mentally broke down.. i juz wanted to hide away.. and cry and drown myself in my tears.. iwanted to go home.. so i went up to choir.. and said.. i wanted to go home.. and that if i didnt go home soon.. i would kill someone.. (and that someone would have been sreyansh.. or ee cheong..)
eventually they did let me go.. and then i look for vithya.. i cried out to her.. and basically calmed down near the drama room..
after that.. i helped the drama pple wash the paint out of their hair and necks.. and even though im not part of them.. i feel a certain sense of trust between them and warmth.. something i have not felt in choir.. its like.. they are all there b coz they have a certain common love.. DRAMA.. and its this common love which brings these different pple together to work as one..
wish it would be like tt in choir
basically.. with tt short 2 hrs with drama.. i felt.. happy.. really happy.. like i was part of them..
after tt.. went to Jp with V and H.. then something really stupid happened.. i wont tell u.. hahaz.. find from them urself..
juz hope tt CH wasnt there to see me acting like a fool.. ha..
ok.. i got really pissed today.. coz.. when i was pumping air into the rocket.. EE CHEONG was making sexual comments about me loudly.. until this parent and kid were like.. squirming.. then after i pump.. somebody wanted to launch it.. so i say ok lor.. then i step aside.. making sure that the parent and kid could see.. then EE CHEONG said to move my fat ass aside so that they could see.. again loud enuff for the parent and kid to hear..
after that.. KY came over and then she ask whether we're launching.. then i said.. Ky.. its better that your guest dont come and watch.. coz EE CHEONG was hurling vulgarities and sexual remarks like no body's business.. then ee cheong come over and asked wad happened.. then i juz look away.. then i continue complaining abt him to KY and he juz denied it lor.. so KY summarised it by confirming with me tt there was no launching lah.. and i said yeah.. then she walked away..
then ee cheong walked over and asked me wad i said to her.. then he guessed that i told her no launching and then he said wah lao.. then he ran after her i think to explaing stuff.. then after tt.. he came back with black face.. and told sre abt it.. then its like.. i dun remember wad happened next.. but wad i did remeber was that i juz walked off from them.. like.. those how lian pple do.. with their noses stuck high up in the sky.. yeah.. smth liddat..
then after.. i was refilled my rocket and then pumped in air into it.. then its like EE CHEONG and SREYANSH.. and some other guy.. they were juz standing in a straight row some feet away from me.. whispering discussions.. and then itslike.. i will pump abit.. then rest a bit. let the air go inside.. then its will take a long time wad.. some more i pumping 37 pumps.. then suddenly.. i heard EE CHEONG say," is she trying to commit suicide?"
so i turned to him.. and even though i was having a cold war with them.. i said.. i heard tt ee cheong.. then he juz hide his face behind sreyansh's back.. then when i launched it.. it flew from one diagonal of the field to the other diagonall.. it was beautiful..
then they guys went crazy and went to get a teacher.. then they found mr chng or somebody.. then its like.. they were like going.. it was successful.. WE did it..
now.. pause one moment.. wad "WE" ?!?! was there ever a "WE" ?!?! its was only "ME".. coz u pple were standing at one corner toking bad abt me.. wondering whether me rocket could fly.. and u told about "WE"?!?
sreyansh.. i dun mind sharing fame with u even if u nv contributed to the thing.. like our maths story.. the one we got first in.. i dun mind staying 2 whole nights pasting every single thing in tt book.. and then only putting ur name there on the cover on the date of submission so that u wont have to do one..
but u didnt care abt my feelings.. and u just assumed that ee cheong was right.. i have always supported wad u have dreamed for.. when u were arguing and even when u were wrong.. i actually helped u in tt arguement.. coz i CARE.. ok?
then after that.. i dun remember wad happened after tt.. but i do remember.. tt when i went to pick up my rocket.. and u guys had already finished pumping and were waiting for me to get out of the way.. when suddenly.. sreyansh made this action by which is the result if the rocket were to hit u in the rocket.. with loud 'ahhh' sounds and then u laughed..
the first thing that came to my mind was that.. u were demonstrating wad was happen to me if u all were to launch the rocket..
and the thing that i wanna know now is.. WAS IT REALLY THAT WAY?? PLEASE TELL ME THATS ITS NOT TRUE.. PLS..
after that.. i juz mentally broke down.. i juz wanted to hide away.. and cry and drown myself in my tears.. iwanted to go home.. so i went up to choir.. and said.. i wanted to go home.. and that if i didnt go home soon.. i would kill someone.. (and that someone would have been sreyansh.. or ee cheong..)
eventually they did let me go.. and then i look for vithya.. i cried out to her.. and basically calmed down near the drama room..
after that.. i helped the drama pple wash the paint out of their hair and necks.. and even though im not part of them.. i feel a certain sense of trust between them and warmth.. something i have not felt in choir.. its like.. they are all there b coz they have a certain common love.. DRAMA.. and its this common love which brings these different pple together to work as one..
wish it would be like tt in choir
basically.. with tt short 2 hrs with drama.. i felt.. happy.. really happy.. like i was part of them..
after tt.. went to Jp with V and H.. then something really stupid happened.. i wont tell u.. hahaz.. find from them urself..
juz hope tt CH wasnt there to see me acting like a fool.. ha..
Monday, November 15, 2004
i think im going crazy..
i've been having those 'dreams'.. which i have mentioned earlier on.. repeatedly.. sub-conciously.. the one by which i am running with XD.. and there's this chinese teacher running after us.. and then at this junction, i pushed XD across the road and shouted at him to run.. and then i turned to blocked the teacher.. and eventually.. XD succeeded in killing himself.. by jumping off a HDB flat nearby..
ok.. i dun think i ever posted this dream b4.. but heck..
then recently.. i got to know who the freaking chinese teacher was.. and its was like.. someone pour this whole bucket of cold water on me.. the feeling whenever someone tries to ask me about mine or when anyone toks about suicide like nobody's business..
well.. i have no idea why i keep having tt dream..
i have no idea y i kept thinking of it this way.. its like.. i want him to die.. ...
ok.. this is how i feel.. i felt that in the situation that XD is in now.. i think he should have just keep on running then and did it.. and not give up and let that bloody freaking chinese teacher catch him.. even though maybe his life now is working out a bit better that b4.. i dunno.. havent contact him for very long liao..
or maybe it was becoz he actually asked me to die with him.. coz i was with him on his supposedly last day on earth.. and then it was his scheduled time to go off and out of JP and prepare to die.. he actually asked me to go with him and jump with him.. coz he didnt want to die alone..
naturally i freaked out ok.. i like juz survived a near death experience myself and was trying to fit back into life.. tryin to get back to the ' i wanna life' mentality.. and there he was.. draggin me out the main entrance of JP.. (as in really dragging) to his bus stop..
but in the end i seriously chickened out.. (ok.. i seriously suck and major suck as a friend).. it was like.. almost 7.. and if i didnt go home.. my mom would whack me lor.. ... ok.. i still suck as a friend.. so when his bus came.. he ran for the bus.. and i juz stood.. when he called out to me.. i juz continued standing there.. eventually he boarded the bus and then the bus juz left..
maybe its was b coz i wasnt there.. thats y XD couldnt do what he wanted to do.. so if i were there.. then he could have left this world.. then he wouldnt have gotten into all that shit he had gotten into him self..
so..
ITS MY FAULT.!!!!!
fuck.. its all my fault.. its my fault that he suffered.. its my fault that he had to get all traumautized by all that police and fucking mrs yip...
FUCK YOU MRS YIP.!!! WHY DID U HAVE TO MAKE IT SUCH A BIG MATTER!?!?.. U THINK U SO GOOD?!!? U JUZ ALMOST RUINED SOMEBODY'S LIFE.!!!U THINK U SO BIG SHOT RIGHT?? U GO AND DIE LAH!!! ANYHOW GO AND CALL POLICE!!!!
yeah.. and as i was saying.. he wouldnt have to go to court.. he wouldnt have to be at a freaking dilema of thinking whether he should continue living.. he wouldnt be at a freaking sad state of not knowing where to go next in life..
B COZ HE NV EXPECTED TO LIVE PAST THAT DAY!! HE NV EXPECTED TO LIVE UNTIL SEC 3!!! THATS WHY.. HE.. LIKE ME.. IS JUZ STUCK IN SPACE.. NOT KNOWING WHERE TO GO NEXT.. AND ITS ALL FRIGGING MRS YIP'S FAULT!!!
so he's juz taking stuff one step at a time.. u see.. when one person decides to kill himself.. that person usually doesnt plan to survive.. right?.. thus that person wouldnt be planning for his future.. coz he thinks that he wouldnt have one.. coz he'll be dead.. logical??
at least i didnt purposely fail all my subs.. thats y i borderline get into 3/1.. (actually i didnt have a choice. suicide or not.. i still had to do well or at least ok in my subs..).. but XD... he juz completely didnt do his science.. and i know he would have done quite well.. if he could have jus tried to do it..
and if i were him.. i wouldnt do my papers either.. i'll juz hand them in early and then walk out or juz sleep right thru it.. b coz.. i'll think.. since i should died.. that means i shouldnt even be here.. then y should i even do this frigfging paper.. i mean.. if i died.. then i dont even eneed to do this paper.. so why bother?
so that y i think.. after mine.. i juz didnt care if i failed or not.. i mean.. its like.. whats wrong with failing.. its not like i have an future career planned out right in front of me to follow lor.. so y bother..?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ok.. another thing bugging me.. im thinking of dropping biology.. to take art.. so i told elfie.. and he was like going.. y u wanna drop bio? then i explain to him lor.. that i wanted to take art.. and that i couldnt drop physics or a maths coz they very important.. but then bio is my best science lor.. then he was saying.. wad stream i wanted to take in jc.. so i said.. my mum wants me to take science stream.. but i wanna take art stream.. that y i cant drop a maths or physics.. coz if i drop either.. i cant go to science stream liao.. so i was like telling him that i dunno wad to do lor.. so he was like going.. ok.. if like that right.. then follow ur heart.. choose art stream.. do what u like to do..
then its like.. wah lao lor.. he's like going to let me drop his sub so that i can do wad i like.. but the thing is that i like both bio and art.. and they are like my best 2 subjects lor..
then last wed.. its like.. i went for art.. and so happen.. during art.. there was bio.. so when i went back to class after art.. elfie was still there.. after the lesson.. he was like.. where u go..? y u nv come for my class?? then i told me that i went for art.. then his face like suddenly juz dropped.. then he dropped his worrysome tone and asked,' so u officially drop bio liao lah?' then i was like going.. i think so.. then he nod his head.. and said.. then i wisk u good luck in wadever u do.. then he went off lor..
wah lao.. its like.. i feel freaking quilty.. why muz he say suck things lor.. .. then when i consulted some pple on wad to do.. they told me to drop instead of bio.. (and they were the one who encouraged me to take art in the first place..) sdo i dunno wad to do.. what i do know is that i havent officially drop bio yet.. coz need to sign form and all that crap.. but i dun wanna drop bio.. i dun wanna disappoint elfie.. its like.. i really enjoy his class.. and i really dun wanna disappoint him..
i feel damn guilty..
guilty until i wanna cry..
it's juz so big a burden..
within me..
which i cannot dispose..
and its like.. really really dun know what to do.. i dunno where i wanna go.. i dunno what i wanna be.. i dunno what i really want.. i dunno why im in 3/1..
and most of all..
i dun even know who i really am..
i've been having those 'dreams'.. which i have mentioned earlier on.. repeatedly.. sub-conciously.. the one by which i am running with XD.. and there's this chinese teacher running after us.. and then at this junction, i pushed XD across the road and shouted at him to run.. and then i turned to blocked the teacher.. and eventually.. XD succeeded in killing himself.. by jumping off a HDB flat nearby..
ok.. i dun think i ever posted this dream b4.. but heck..
then recently.. i got to know who the freaking chinese teacher was.. and its was like.. someone pour this whole bucket of cold water on me.. the feeling whenever someone tries to ask me about mine or when anyone toks about suicide like nobody's business..
well.. i have no idea why i keep having tt dream..
i have no idea y i kept thinking of it this way.. its like.. i want him to die.. ...
ok.. this is how i feel.. i felt that in the situation that XD is in now.. i think he should have just keep on running then and did it.. and not give up and let that bloody freaking chinese teacher catch him.. even though maybe his life now is working out a bit better that b4.. i dunno.. havent contact him for very long liao..
or maybe it was becoz he actually asked me to die with him.. coz i was with him on his supposedly last day on earth.. and then it was his scheduled time to go off and out of JP and prepare to die.. he actually asked me to go with him and jump with him.. coz he didnt want to die alone..
naturally i freaked out ok.. i like juz survived a near death experience myself and was trying to fit back into life.. tryin to get back to the ' i wanna life' mentality.. and there he was.. draggin me out the main entrance of JP.. (as in really dragging) to his bus stop..
but in the end i seriously chickened out.. (ok.. i seriously suck and major suck as a friend).. it was like.. almost 7.. and if i didnt go home.. my mom would whack me lor.. ... ok.. i still suck as a friend.. so when his bus came.. he ran for the bus.. and i juz stood.. when he called out to me.. i juz continued standing there.. eventually he boarded the bus and then the bus juz left..
maybe its was b coz i wasnt there.. thats y XD couldnt do what he wanted to do.. so if i were there.. then he could have left this world.. then he wouldnt have gotten into all that shit he had gotten into him self..
so..
ITS MY FAULT.!!!!!
fuck.. its all my fault.. its my fault that he suffered.. its my fault that he had to get all traumautized by all that police and fucking mrs yip...
FUCK YOU MRS YIP.!!! WHY DID U HAVE TO MAKE IT SUCH A BIG MATTER!?!?.. U THINK U SO GOOD?!!? U JUZ ALMOST RUINED SOMEBODY'S LIFE.!!!U THINK U SO BIG SHOT RIGHT?? U GO AND DIE LAH!!! ANYHOW GO AND CALL POLICE!!!!
yeah.. and as i was saying.. he wouldnt have to go to court.. he wouldnt have to be at a freaking dilema of thinking whether he should continue living.. he wouldnt be at a freaking sad state of not knowing where to go next in life..
B COZ HE NV EXPECTED TO LIVE PAST THAT DAY!! HE NV EXPECTED TO LIVE UNTIL SEC 3!!! THATS WHY.. HE.. LIKE ME.. IS JUZ STUCK IN SPACE.. NOT KNOWING WHERE TO GO NEXT.. AND ITS ALL FRIGGING MRS YIP'S FAULT!!!
so he's juz taking stuff one step at a time.. u see.. when one person decides to kill himself.. that person usually doesnt plan to survive.. right?.. thus that person wouldnt be planning for his future.. coz he thinks that he wouldnt have one.. coz he'll be dead.. logical??
at least i didnt purposely fail all my subs.. thats y i borderline get into 3/1.. (actually i didnt have a choice. suicide or not.. i still had to do well or at least ok in my subs..).. but XD... he juz completely didnt do his science.. and i know he would have done quite well.. if he could have jus tried to do it..
and if i were him.. i wouldnt do my papers either.. i'll juz hand them in early and then walk out or juz sleep right thru it.. b coz.. i'll think.. since i should died.. that means i shouldnt even be here.. then y should i even do this frigfging paper.. i mean.. if i died.. then i dont even eneed to do this paper.. so why bother?
so that y i think.. after mine.. i juz didnt care if i failed or not.. i mean.. its like.. whats wrong with failing.. its not like i have an future career planned out right in front of me to follow lor.. so y bother..?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ok.. another thing bugging me.. im thinking of dropping biology.. to take art.. so i told elfie.. and he was like going.. y u wanna drop bio? then i explain to him lor.. that i wanted to take art.. and that i couldnt drop physics or a maths coz they very important.. but then bio is my best science lor.. then he was saying.. wad stream i wanted to take in jc.. so i said.. my mum wants me to take science stream.. but i wanna take art stream.. that y i cant drop a maths or physics.. coz if i drop either.. i cant go to science stream liao.. so i was like telling him that i dunno wad to do lor.. so he was like going.. ok.. if like that right.. then follow ur heart.. choose art stream.. do what u like to do..
then its like.. wah lao lor.. he's like going to let me drop his sub so that i can do wad i like.. but the thing is that i like both bio and art.. and they are like my best 2 subjects lor..
then last wed.. its like.. i went for art.. and so happen.. during art.. there was bio.. so when i went back to class after art.. elfie was still there.. after the lesson.. he was like.. where u go..? y u nv come for my class?? then i told me that i went for art.. then his face like suddenly juz dropped.. then he dropped his worrysome tone and asked,' so u officially drop bio liao lah?' then i was like going.. i think so.. then he nod his head.. and said.. then i wisk u good luck in wadever u do.. then he went off lor..
wah lao.. its like.. i feel freaking quilty.. why muz he say suck things lor.. .. then when i consulted some pple on wad to do.. they told me to drop instead of bio.. (and they were the one who encouraged me to take art in the first place..) sdo i dunno wad to do.. what i do know is that i havent officially drop bio yet.. coz need to sign form and all that crap.. but i dun wanna drop bio.. i dun wanna disappoint elfie.. its like.. i really enjoy his class.. and i really dun wanna disappoint him..
i feel damn guilty..
guilty until i wanna cry..
it's juz so big a burden..
within me..
which i cannot dispose..
and its like.. really really dun know what to do.. i dunno where i wanna go.. i dunno what i wanna be.. i dunno what i really want.. i dunno why im in 3/1..
and most of all..
i dun even know who i really am..