i think im going crazy..

i've been having those 'dreams'.. which i have mentioned earlier on.. repeatedly.. sub-conciously.. the one by which i am running with XD.. and there's this chinese teacher running after us.. and then at this junction, i pushed XD across the road and shouted at him to run.. and then i turned to blocked the teacher.. and eventually.. XD succeeded in killing himself.. by jumping off a HDB flat nearby..

ok.. i dun think i ever posted this dream b4.. but heck..

then recently.. i got to know who the freaking chinese teacher was.. and its was like.. someone pour this whole bucket of cold water on me.. the feeling whenever someone tries to ask me about mine or when anyone toks about suicide like nobody's business..

well.. i have no idea why i keep having tt dream..

i have no idea y i kept thinking of it this way.. its like.. i want him to die.. ...

ok.. this is how i feel.. i felt that in the situation that XD is in now.. i think he should have just keep on running then and did it.. and not give up and let that bloody freaking chinese teacher catch him.. even though maybe his life now is working out a bit better that b4.. i dunno.. havent contact him for very long liao..

or maybe it was becoz he actually asked me to die with him.. coz i was with him on his supposedly last day on earth.. and then it was his scheduled time to go off and out of JP and prepare to die.. he actually asked me to go with him and jump with him.. coz he didnt want to die alone..

naturally i freaked out ok.. i like juz survived a near death experience myself and was trying to fit back into life.. tryin to get back to the ' i wanna life' mentality.. and there he was.. draggin me out the main entrance of JP.. (as in really dragging) to his bus stop..

but in the end i seriously chickened out.. (ok.. i seriously suck and major suck as a friend).. it was like.. almost 7.. and if i didnt go home.. my mom would whack me lor.. ... ok.. i still suck as a friend.. so when his bus came.. he ran for the bus.. and i juz stood.. when he called out to me.. i juz continued standing there.. eventually he boarded the bus and then the bus juz left..

maybe its was b coz i wasnt there.. thats y XD couldnt do what he wanted to do.. so if i were there.. then he could have left this world.. then he wouldnt have gotten into all that shit he had gotten into him self..

so..

ITS MY FAULT.!!!!!

fuck.. its all my fault.. its my fault that he suffered.. its my fault that he had to get all traumautized by all that police and fucking mrs yip...

FUCK YOU MRS YIP.!!! WHY DID U HAVE TO MAKE IT SUCH A BIG MATTER!?!?.. U THINK U SO GOOD?!!? U JUZ ALMOST RUINED SOMEBODY'S LIFE.!!!U THINK U SO BIG SHOT RIGHT?? U GO AND DIE LAH!!! ANYHOW GO AND CALL POLICE!!!!

yeah.. and as i was saying.. he wouldnt have to go to court.. he wouldnt have to be at a freaking dilema of thinking whether he should continue living.. he wouldnt be at a freaking sad state of not knowing where to go next in life..

B COZ HE NV EXPECTED TO LIVE PAST THAT DAY!! HE NV EXPECTED TO LIVE UNTIL SEC 3!!! THATS WHY.. HE.. LIKE ME.. IS JUZ STUCK IN SPACE.. NOT KNOWING WHERE TO GO NEXT.. AND ITS ALL FRIGGING MRS YIP'S FAULT!!!

so he's juz taking stuff one step at a time.. u see.. when one person decides to kill himself.. that person usually doesnt plan to survive.. right?.. thus that person wouldnt be planning for his future.. coz he thinks that he wouldnt have one.. coz he'll be dead.. logical??

at least i didnt purposely fail all my subs.. thats y i borderline get into 3/1.. (actually i didnt have a choice. suicide or not.. i still had to do well or at least ok in my subs..).. but XD... he juz completely didnt do his science.. and i know he would have done quite well.. if he could have jus tried to do it..

and if i were him.. i wouldnt do my papers either.. i'll juz hand them in early and then walk out or juz sleep right thru it.. b coz.. i'll think.. since i should died.. that means i shouldnt even be here.. then y should i even do this frigfging paper.. i mean.. if i died.. then i dont even eneed to do this paper.. so why bother?

so that y i think.. after mine.. i juz didnt care if i failed or not.. i mean.. its like.. whats wrong with failing.. its not like i have an future career planned out right in front of me to follow lor.. so y bother..?

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ok.. another thing bugging me.. im thinking of dropping biology.. to take art.. so i told elfie.. and he was like going.. y u wanna drop bio? then i explain to him lor.. that i wanted to take art.. and that i couldnt drop physics or a maths coz they very important.. but then bio is my best science lor.. then he was saying.. wad stream i wanted to take in jc.. so i said.. my mum wants me to take science stream.. but i wanna take art stream.. that y i cant drop a maths or physics.. coz if i drop either.. i cant go to science stream liao.. so i was like telling him that i dunno wad to do lor.. so he was like going.. ok.. if like that right.. then follow ur heart.. choose art stream.. do what u like to do..

then its like.. wah lao lor.. he's like going to let me drop his sub so that i can do wad i like.. but the thing is that i like both bio and art.. and they are like my best 2 subjects lor..

then last wed.. its like.. i went for art.. and so happen.. during art.. there was bio.. so when i went back to class after art.. elfie was still there.. after the lesson.. he was like.. where u go..? y u nv come for my class?? then i told me that i went for art.. then his face like suddenly juz dropped.. then he dropped his worrysome tone and asked,' so u officially drop bio liao lah?' then i was like going.. i think so.. then he nod his head.. and said.. then i wisk u good luck in wadever u do.. then he went off lor..

wah lao.. its like.. i feel freaking quilty.. why muz he say suck things lor.. .. then when i consulted some pple on wad to do.. they told me to drop instead of bio.. (and they were the one who encouraged me to take art in the first place..) sdo i dunno wad to do.. what i do know is that i havent officially drop bio yet.. coz need to sign form and all that crap.. but i dun wanna drop bio.. i dun wanna disappoint elfie.. its like.. i really enjoy his class.. and i really dun wanna disappoint him..

i feel damn guilty..

guilty until i wanna cry..

it's juz so big a burden..

within me..

which i cannot dispose..

and its like.. really really dun know what to do.. i dunno where i wanna go.. i dunno what i wanna be.. i dunno what i really want.. i dunno why im in 3/1..

and most of all..

i dun even know who i really am..